My life has gone proceeded in new and unknown directions for some time now. I've found relief and joy in one element, the internet, taking a back seat to my daily activities. Most days I will watch youtube twerk videos or foods from around the globe, watch a movie or show on some other streaming service, and above all else I listen and explore music. I decided to take a break from everything else for the most part. Everything else being things that other people are making me look at. Social media became a compulsive physical routine in my daily life and I constantly would look up from my phone or laptop to take a sip of coffee and find it'd gone cold id been absorbed for so long. This was ok for me because I dont mind cold bitter coffee but I began to realize how much of my life I was spending with nearly zero return on my attention investment. I needed a break from it all, a reassesment of it. It's been nearly a year since I took the break. The first few weeks were rough, my body and my thumbs would fumble that the applications that used to be my everyday were no longer there and they didnt know what to do with themselves. It got easier as my addiction got replaced elsewhere like trying to learn a new language, taking more photos on my phone because I had so much more space all of a sudden, I went back to physically writing in my journals, sketching more, and most of all really started to wonder what my friends and family were doing so I began reaching out for contact more. I was always suprised at news of new babies or divorces, of car crashes or promotions, I no longer had the inside scoop on everyone. It was rewarding in a sense and sad in another. Im still thinking it all over too much and as usual. I think I'll take a break.
I walked into a casino today and played terrible cards for nearly an hour, lost lost lost. Somehow came back from all of it to my buy in just in time to get called to the poker room. I sat down at a game with older men and I took a brief look around to realize my measly amount of money was nothing to these people. I waited and waited then began to see my own cards only to realize that the stakes of the game were quickly becoming 3 to 4 months of my income. No one batted an eye at a pot that I watched get swooped up that could have paid all of my school loans off, put a down payment on a house, and finally taken my partner out for the fancy no hat dinner I've been promising for the last three years. Needless to say I was completely out of my league. I had a great day prior to this. I spent it alone and listening to music, people would wander in and out. I had decent conversation with a few of them, then I got bored. I started watching the time tick away until I had to go to sleep so I got up and went to a bar I used to like going to and when I arrived I had a horrible time. It's not something I recommend. Watch a person you like talking to become an ice cube because their boss happened to be pulling the same shift. I ordered one beer and bounced. It's a long drive from there to the casino so I got a chance to listen to some radio and a bit of my cd's that don't skip every time I hit a pot hole. Perhaps I should have, could have, would have, done something else. If I was a bit more creative. To me I just wanted to play cards. So I got out there, risked it all won it back then in one hand got slapped back to nothing. I wasn't upset. It just seems to be the energy I have nowadays. I can't seem to get just a bit over where I think I should be. It's obscene because if I sit back and realize I'm a lot further than I could have ever Imagined I would be able to appreciate it more. All I can ever seem to focus on is losing and losers. It takes a whole lot less energy and to be truthful I relish the pain that it brings me, I enjoy being mediocre. I fear a day when I win, I fear a day where all my odds switch and all of a sudden I get everything I ever wanted. It's very difficult for me because I'm already there. I have a beautiful life. I get to do whatever I want to an extent and my only limitations are the ones I put on myself. If things were like they used to be I'd be a bit more upset but I have to get up for work soon. What a trip that is.
