Woke Up

I slept in this morning and when I finally got up I felt refreshed and excited for the day. Walked outside with my first cup of coffee lit a cigarette and greeted the day stoked to see it. Walked to my car stoked to see it, somebody had broken into again in my driveway and rustled through it but that's ok. Wouldn't let that affect my good mood, just patched up the hole in my window with some tape and kept vibin . Walked back into the house and stepped in wet carpet with my socks on, sall good. Made lunch to find out half the ingredients were off, was still full from it. Went to take a nap but got pulled elsewhere the second I dozed off. Some strange person screamed at me because they didn't like the pep in my step and the way I swing my keys mindlessly. I think they must have thought I was waving at them but I was just dancing. That's fine. Some people just wake up angry, I woke up happy today and that's how I'll spend the rest of this fine day.

I think that kinda looks like a face.

Do More

You ever watch a split beer evaporate. That's a luxury I still have. Time doesn't add up it multiplies against the zero of its origin and becomes nothing.

Storm Water

Happy Labor Day you floating on a rock in the middle of nowhere group of insect bite victims oblivious to the condition of the water you float down today whilst getting a sun burn you tried to prevent with coconut oil based deodorant shaped sunscreen.

Perhaps be grateful today? There's a breeze here where I'm standing and the shade is cool enough to keep my beer hot. Funny how reality works. Hot things get cold and cold things get hot. I think one day I'd like to play chess on the peak of some mountain while drinking hot coffee that's gone cold and then eat some cheetos that were spicy hot but lost their flavor from the altitude attitude. Non sense! Please don't beep your car horn at me when I'm walking down the street. It makes me nervous. Up until recently I always worried when the staff at the restaurant took my food to box it for me. Now it's nice. I just... why wouldn't you... save my dipping sauces... 

Another Loss Gained

I walked into a casino today and played terrible cards for nearly an hour, lost lost lost. Somehow came back from all of it to my buy in just in time to get called to the poker room. I sat down at a game with older men and I took a brief look around to realize my measly amount of money was nothing to these people. I waited and waited then began to see my own cards only to realize that the stakes of the game were quickly becoming 3 to 4 months of my income. No one batted an eye at a pot that I watched get swooped up that could have paid all of my school loans off, put a down payment on a house, and finally taken my partner out for the fancy no hat dinner I've been promising for the last three years. Needless to say I was completely out of my league. I had a great day prior to this. I spent it alone and listening to music, people would wander in and out. I had decent conversation with a few of them, then I got bored. I started watching the time tick away until I had to go to sleep so I got up and  went to a bar I used to like going to and when I arrived I had a horrible time. It's not something I recommend. Watch a person you like talking to become an ice cube because their boss happened to be pulling the same shift. I ordered one beer and bounced. It's a long drive from there to the casino so I got a chance to listen to some radio and a bit of my cd's that don't skip every time I hit a pot hole. Perhaps I should have, could have, would have, done something else. If I was a bit more creative. To me I just wanted to play cards. So I got out there, risked it all won it back then in one hand got slapped back to nothing. I wasn't upset. It just seems to be the energy I have nowadays. I can't seem to get just a bit over where I think I should be. It's obscene because if I sit back and realize I'm a lot further than I could have ever Imagined I would be able to appreciate it more. All I can ever seem to focus on is losing and losers. It takes a whole lot less energy and to be truthful I relish the pain that it brings me, I enjoy being mediocre. I fear a day when I win, I fear a day where all my odds switch and all of a sudden I get everything I ever wanted. It's very difficult for me because I'm already there. I have a beautiful life. I get to do whatever I want to an extent and my only limitations are the ones I put on myself. If things were like they used to be I'd be a bit more upset but I have to get up for work soon. What a trip that is.

 

Chewin Sunflower Seeds

My life has gone proceeded in new and unknown directions for some time now. I've found relief and joy in one element, the internet, taking a back seat to my daily activities. Most days I will watch youtube twerk videos or foods from around the globe, watch a movie or show on some other streaming service, and above all else I listen and explore music. I decided to take a break from everything else for the most part. Everything else being things that other people are making me look at. Social media became a compulsive physical routine in my daily life and I constantly would look up from my phone or laptop to take a sip of coffee and find it'd gone cold id been absorbed for so long. This was ok for me because I dont mind cold bitter coffee but I began to realize how much of my life I was spending with nearly zero return on my attention investment. I needed a break from it all, a reassesment of it. It's been nearly a year since I took the break. The first few weeks were rough, my body and my thumbs would fumble that the applications that used to be my everyday were no longer there and they didnt know what to do with themselves. It got easier as my addiction got replaced elsewhere like trying to learn a new language, taking more photos on my phone because I had so much more space all of a sudden, I went back to physically writing in my journals, sketching more, and most of all really started to wonder what my friends and family were doing so I began reaching out for contact more. I was always suprised at news of new babies or divorces, of car crashes or promotions, I no longer had the inside scoop on everyone. It was rewarding in a sense and sad in another. Im still thinking it all over too much and as usual. I think I'll take a break.

Sweet Nothings.

Perfect day.

Wake up. Check phone. Smoke cigarette. Say hello to friends. Drive to coffee. Paint. Eat something. Drive to house.  Nap. Wake up. Watch TV. Drink. Eat something. Nap. Drive to studio. Talk to who listens. Listen. Sleep. Wake up.

We're All Alone

All your booty calls dont answer
youre left stalking face book
wake up next to a stranger
with the same lonely outlook.

Crushes

It's hard to get by being lonely, even worse when you're surrounded by people you like.

Quick

Everyone's around when you're fine.  When you're not, no one's around. Makes it difficult to believe all the sriacha  cream cheese goodness, spread all over your food, isn't really there to taste good, its there to tease you and just to make you sick eventually.

Airplanes

If I had any guts I'd already be gone.

 

Do Not Disturb

It feels good walking into a room and knowing that your phone charger will be where you left it . No maid has moved it or youve lost it in some bar or that youve forgotten you lent it to a friend at his house during a night of forced cards against humanity. Home. Home is where you can sleep naked. For me its been in hotel rooms for the past two weeks and it feels good to know that i dont have to put up a do not disturb. Been a wild past few weeks. Between watching a friend get bit by dogs and almost run over dogs, people I thought were shady be nice, people i thought were nice be shady, ride with Quadzilla through the streets on sheeps pelt, stare myself in the eye through thousands of dollars worth of gold, drink at a bar where old people talk about the negative influence of family guy, make money, take money, buy things, lose things, talk to new girls, realize that for some reason girls just generally lie about their age, encounter friends when least expected, treat myself, and treat others, its just good to be at a place where I feel safe to take my socks off. Where I dont have to look through plated glass and order cigarettes through a carousel. I think maybe Ive just been spoiled recently. Cuz seeing shit, just seems to make me homesick.

Fogged

Didn't realize that I was flooding my sober mind this whole time. There's just too much noise that I can't hear my thoughts anymore.  Don't function well alone. My mom told me that when I was young and I didn't believe her. She's never been wrong. Sharpness is blurred. It's similar to waking up and going through the morning routine without realizing you haven't put your glasses on. My own fault. What I once thought was fun and exciting now seems necessary if not unavoidable. I can't produce to the level I did six, four, or even one month ago. It's not a block. It's more of a bottle that's endless and I can't find footing on the bottom. Just keep sinking.

January

Slowing down and staying focused. I've been trying to read more. This year is off to a fast start and the days are flying off the calendar. Today I've got a Star Wars party to go to. Tonight I've got some dice to play. Lose it all, gain it back.

Temptation Aint Motivation

Livin it up since the Wouldn't Be Here show. Humbling experience that left me with enough doe to quit another job and reign in the new year flexin. Booked a flight to Hawaii with art money. Everything comes with a price. Need to get back to work and close 2014 behind me. 2015 is already 5 days old and another kid I grew up with lies dead. Stay focused.