Distant Deflated

I'm drifting off again. I used to think if I was just as honest as possible it would let me see the world with clear eyes. More and more I'm cleaning my glasses of grime and shit and what was sold to me as scratch proof and anti glare picks up reflections and scratches and chips just like everything else. I feel like I'm just getting worse as time moves on.

I cant even keep my days straight. I'll work until I cant function then drink and take smoke breaks until I catch a third or fourth wind and keep going. Bein awake doesnt help. Everything is so much better in my dreams. Even if its worse. I dont miss anyone when I dream.

Tracks

 

When I was a kid my momma taught us that when you drive over railroad tracks you lift your feet and make a wish. These wishes would then come true so long as you kept them to yourself.

I find myself doing this more and more lately. I don't know if its because I miss my family and my roots now that I am so far away or if its something bigger than that. Ive realized that wishes come true. You wish something and when wish hard enough, it becomes your reality. You'll do anything to make your wish come true. Fuck a genie and three wishes I just need a beanie and three bitches. Or maybe I just need to stop living so close to railroad tracks...

Peripheral Vision

I've been alone too long. My peripheral vision keeps fucking with me and I see shadows move in the dark. There's nothing there when I look. Are they just my imagination or am I losing it?

I had a horrible nightmare the other day when I fell asleep after running errands. In it I was driving some car down a busy highway. Lightning struck my windshield and everything went dark. I could still feel the car around me but all I could see was this blinding jagged cut in the windshield. Sound was crushing my ear drums. Just this unbelievable droning of crashes and booms. I tried to stop the car when I got struck by the lightning but I lost control of it. It seemed to act on it's on, accelerating and swerving all by itself. Eventually the light from the windshield faded and the I went deaf from the sound. All I was left with was the sensation of running over everything in my path. The car felt like it was running over bodies but I couldn't see hear screams and I couldn't see. The car took me faster and faster until it spun out wildly and I woke up.

A dozen eggs in dirty bath water.

Switchin up sizes tryin new shit. This new studio is helping me push myself. It's strange to not paint in my bedroom anymore. I've noticed myself building routines to keep up with the production of new and better work. Sucks however when everything else gets in the way. If I can just figure out how to distance myself from everything more. Juggling working at this frame shop, painting, hustling my other random shit, making time to meet people and make friends, stay up on new hip hop coming out. There's just so much that competes for attention. I just found out they put up the last episodes of Breaking Bad on Netflix. There goes my night. Strawberry Eggos with bacon and dippy eggs.

Worries

 

The rejections give me erections.

Breathe

I woke up in puke. I guess I had thrown up in my sleep. Never done that before. Realized that was close and threw a pillow over it and passed back out. Woke up later stripped down washed everything called a friend. He told me I can't die like that til I'm famous.

Thankfully I'll never be famous.

Perspective

 

Pushing my own comfort level and boundaries until I gain a new perspective on my own personality. The pursuit of a different perception, looking forward, looking back. Positive. Negative. Grey. It is an awakening experience to realize the influence you bring into any situation just by mood or approach.

 

If I am anxious or nervous, everything seems to be fogged in paranoia. If I am open and receptive, situations often lean towards exciting and new, rather than stagnant and old.

 

Pushing boundaries. Gaining perspective.