When I was in eigth grade I was "dating" this chick who I only ever saw on the school bus. She lived within a mile of me and not only did I never even have her phone number (granted back then neither of us had cell phones but still we could have called eachothers house) we hardly ever hung out besides those 20 minute rides to school in the morning and the 20 minutes on the ride home.
I don't remember how long we went on like this and christ I cant even remember how long we were the hot item of the bus. Regardless, everytime she would get up and prepare to get off the bus at her house I'd hug her goodbye and sometimes kiss her lips. Back then that was a lot for me. I had the hottest chick on the bus and I was kissing her in front of a bus load of horny high school kids.
Then one day it all changed. She was eating leftovers from her lunch bag, prolly a whole bunch of different shit like nutty butters and skittles and sunny d but one food remained in my memory for the rest of my life. She was eating a bag of Doritos. When our last 20 minutes of the bus ride were coming to a close she was licking the remaing Doritos dust off her fingers and stashing the empty bag in her backpack. Before the bus could stop at her house she laughed at something I said and grabbed my face and pulled me below the seat so we couldnt be seen by the other kids and she kissed me like she had never kissed me before. Her wet tongue jammed into my mouth and rubbed across my teeth and gums, then tangled with my virgin tongue, all the while leaving a snail trail of Dorito slime across all surfaces of my mouth. I retched but kept it under control until she released me from her kiss and got up and left the bus. I didnt sit with her after that and we broke up soon after. I also never ate Doritos again.
Until yesterday.
I was at a house party chillin with a lot of great people, good food, and good drinks. I was drinkin pretty hard, tryin to figure shit out in my head. Dangerous thoughts for any drunk person. It had been that kind of week. I got a handle of it and I was sitting on a couch playing some card game with the homies all the while chowing on the chips and salsa laid out in front of me. One of my friends leans over and asks me if I realized what I was eating. He has known me for the past few years and had seen on multiple occasions my violent reaction to being forced to try Doritos, seen me avoid the chip isle because my revulsion, seen me eat at the KFC side of the split KFC/Taco Bells becasuse of that Dorito taco craze going on right now. He asked if I knew that I was eating Doritos. I had no idea.
All the memories from a time where I enjoyed the chip came rushing back in a moment. Nearly a decade of avoidance due to trauma on my part cost me the enjoyment and friendship of a truly beautiful snack. It was that easy. I was free.
The Dorito inncident all those years ago in the sticky fumblings of a 20 minute bus ride cost me nearly a decade of flavor. All it took for me to get my life back was a choice. A choice to try something new in front of me, taking a risk, enjoying the time I spend now, how I choose too. After my friend told me I was eating what for a decade was forbidden I was surprised at how I reached for more, tried cool ranch, tried original, continuing to crush it all.
Then today I made the connection. It was never about the Doritos. Aside from the disgust I felt at having someone elses chewed food all through my own mouth, any one of my favorite snacks could have been ruined that day. It was Doritos and for almost a decade of my life I forbade myself from something that I once enjoyed. It seems so silly now to write off things in your life from simply one bad experience, never giving second chances, never compromising. How oblivious I have been and limiting because of past experiences. I can apply this feeling to most aspects of my life be it love, friendships, work, or food. To make a conscious decision to never eat Doritos again, never love again, never walk down that alley again, never try a new book, it's incredibly limiting and exhausting. I missed out on so much already because of fear, paranoia, or stupidity. It's something I challenge within myself daily and this recent battle left me with a small victory.
I never know whats going to happen and I love that. Im down for the ride even more now then ever, and now you may even catch me with a bag of Doritos riding shotgun.
Fuck Swag.
